her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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