a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
