You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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