You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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