I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
