Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
