what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
