What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
