3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
