You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
