i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
