Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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