i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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