You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
