I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize