i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
