david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
