Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
