My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So squirting runs in the family.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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