I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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