oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
