I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
