Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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