the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
