I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
