she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
