8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
