the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
As shirtless as possible
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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