Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
