I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
