I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
