ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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