I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
