I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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