Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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