Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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