I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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