Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
