youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
