She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize