Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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