Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
