My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize