TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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