You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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