I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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