the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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