Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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