i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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