You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
