and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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