You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize