Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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