I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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