We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Did I show you my penis last night?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
