And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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