Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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