did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Randomize
