My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I want her autograph on my taint
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
