Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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