you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
