I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
