I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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