Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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