I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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