and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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