she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
