Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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