I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
That was before I lit my hair on fire
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
