Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She bit a glass in half.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
